I am not sure if it is just being a woman at 45 & 4 months from 46 with the cray-hormone-ies or waking up on the wrong side of the bed or what… But it baffles me how I can have such a lovely evening the night before & wake up with my head spinning ’round like Regan in the Exorcist (well not really) the next morning.
It starts off with my 17 year old lil doggie trying to bite me while I was administering his meds. Which normally, mind you, is fairly easy. The thing that I hate about myself is that, though I would not do it, I imagined – let’s just say – biting back. Or fantasizing about ramming my car into the person in front of me really hard after they just cut me off in traffic.. Yep. That’s my dark side.
You see, after all this time of healing & walking with God, there is a cavern in my soul that still doesn’t fare well when I can’t control a situation. Funny thing is & I know this – in truth – I never really could anyway. I can only control how I react. That’s where I flub it up on occasion. (*cough*)
Sometimes what comes out of me are the fruits of the spirit – & I actually handle whatever “it” is with grace & peace.
Other times you’d think I’d been swallowed up by a body snatcher that’s taken over my person & is having a freakin’ field day. And it ain’t pretty honey, let me tell you.
That’s how I feel this morning. I don’t have much encouraging to say. I don’t feel spiritual & I am on edge. But regardless, there are always lessons to be learned & mirrors of self-reflection to gaze in.
I don’t know how God does it – being so loving, so long-suffering with us – so patient. How many times over my little-life could He have easily squashed me when I am kicking away at His direction – at his leading. When I am rejecting His love & grace & mercy towards me – over & over. And over.
And yet He never did. He never does. He never will,
Hallelujah Lord. There is much to be learned in this process of being molded into Your image.
Humbled, ill as a snake & still grateful – I am yours.
Much love y’all & much more of you God – we so desperately need more of You,
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness,self-control; against such things there is no law. ~ Galatians 5:22-23
(image courtesy of sodahead.com)