In all honesty I was contemplating flushing Facebook (I run an inspirational page on there called Grit & Grace) & this blog altogether last night. I have a pattern in my life I have slowly tried to peel away from where I turn tail & run when life closes in too tightly, too darkly. I tend to retreat like a tortoise, shutting out important stuff that I don’t need to shut out.
Thank you Lord that You won’t let me stay there long & for giving me friends & family that won’t either.
I don’t attend church regularly nor have I for quite a long time now. When I was married I was in church with my husband at least twice a week faithfully, every single week. We always served together in some capacity in the churches we were a part of and when the chasm was left where our marriage once was, every time I went to a church, any church – all I did was cry. It was ridiculous.
I do desire to return more regularly one day, I think. But I would like to go with a significant other. Again. It’s just my thing, it’s my life. Not everyone will agree with it. And that’s ok. We must work out our own stuff. It’s personal like that.
I have walked, crawled & been carried with & by God for many years now. My relationship with Him has gotten richer & deeper as the years have worn on. It has morphed into a much more beautiful freeing place than it was in the past. I am so grateful. I can & do say things to him that I don’t say to anyone else. Sometimes the things I utter would shock some & sometimes I say I am sorry after I spew them out. And why not – I was already thinking them & He knew it. Sharing them out loud takes the toxins out. At least for me anyway.
I am admittedly a mess. A walking contradiction probably to some in what I profess & how I act out sometimes. I do love God & I believe in Him more than anything else I see. It is what gives me hope when none is looming on the horizon. With the natural eyes anyway. I mean NONE.
He is what stops me from tipping completely over the edge. He rocks me back to safety when I am teetering between the worlds of what was & what is & is to come.
He. Is. Always. Enough.
Especially when me & all my sacrificing & striving & doing are not.
When the enemy is lurking so near I can almost smell his sulfurous breath. When the lines get blurred between what is good & what is not. When why?? cannot be answered.
Lord you are my hallelujah when I truly cannot see my own worn hand in front of my face. You are my wheel within the wheel.
Sweet Jesus, thank you.
Much love & a greater realization of who the Lord is in our lives,
(image courtesy of thegreatpromise.tumblr.com)