The Ugly In Me

I admit I’ve let go of a lot of control in my life. I honestly have. But still, sometimes when things spin out of it- I don’t fare so well. 

This week I’ve faced challenges with my health that are still unclear. After already being faced with things in the life of a loved one that are out of my hands. And then tonight – out of pure spite because I was busy & apparently not paying enough attention to him – my dog pees on MY side of the couch. I seriously could have hurt him badly. I hate to admit that. 

I do not like it when that dark place in me surfaces. Because then I’m aware it’s still there. 

Dormant until I’ve pushed aside & tried to deal & tried to cope & tried to hold together till I can’t anymore. And there it is. The ugliest place in me. I despise it.

The place in me I could remember screaming out of when I was all of 6 years old. And at various other out-of-control times throughout my 45 years. 

The place that drove me to other awful places where I tried to hide. Like diving into a mirage when you’re dying of thirst & unbearable life-draining heat in the middle of the desert. And what you thought would bring relief at long-last doesn’t. It never did. It never will. 

Only God. 

God help me & everyone out there tonight facing the same demons. The same different demons. 

Lord Jesus rescue us from our enemies & save us. The battle is Yours. Help us remember it’s Yours. Thank you for holding us as we collapse in exhaustion from the horrible charades we play. Help us to lay humanly bare before Your Divinity within ourselves. Because we already are. 

We surrender it all again Lord. 

In Jesus’ mighty name,


(Image courtesy of

12 thoughts on “The Ugly In Me

  1. Becky Johnson

    On, how kindred we are. I’ve had these same things surfacing, and contemplating writing on it, too. I’ve seen myself in the last two weeks lash out in ways I thought was handled and over. Turns out…not so much. Thank you for this vulnerability & the prayer. I’m “one of those.” ❤

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Becky Johnson

        I know exactly what you mean. My reaction startled me, too, as I unleashed something on my grand dog last week. And my utter frustration with the new (and horrific) two year old tantrums. And with these being so close in proximity of time I finally said: “God, are you trying to tell me something about me here?” And I hate to say it out loud, but am having a real hard problem with my inability to be in control of a thing. Because there’s nothing that terrifies me more than being out of control, and not in a chaotic way (though that’s how it feels on my insides), but in a you’ve never had control, any control you’ve thought you had over life was an illusion. And that…is scary when everything is changing & unraveling.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Becky Johnson

        It has been hard, as you are well aware, but there is a sense of something to know others are not handling the changing & unraveling gracefully either. I’m also with you in tdgis: “Sweet Jesus!”

        Liked by 1 person

  2. That ugly IN us is NOT us–that’s the good news, isn’t it?

    There is NOTHING ugly about me and you. Yes–some ugly stuff can be in us—but the gradual (usually), desired un=doing of that is 100% His work–as we simply keep believing in Him and trusting in who He says we truly are–unspotted, unblemished, unstained, faultless, unblameable, unaccused, BEAUTIFULL before Him in LOVE.
    I’ve gotten, because of His good work in me, to where i actually pay the “ugly” little mind–only enough to hand it to Jesus–then I might have a good chuckle over its POWERLESSNESS to define me anymore and to divert me, distract me or suck me away from Christ and into its dirty little game of SELF-improvement– I also offer heartfelt apologies where appropriate !!
    GREAT BLOG, Bonnie!! I love you ❤

    Ephesians 5:27
    Colossians 1:22

    Liked by 1 person

  3. As a postscript to what I said earlier–sometimes–the ‘handing it to Jesus part” requires a few minutes, depending on what the ugly is-maybe some tears will come–maybe some dialogue will happen–between me and Him right then–or He might only be able to show me later when I am really relaxed–just saying–NOT a great idea to “STUFF” your feelings–but best to let them out someplace safe–either just to the Lord or with the Lord and someone you trust.

    Liked by 1 person

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