(click that opening statement to check out the book.)
The story was from Luke 7 about a prostitute who sought Jesus out in desperation. I was her. The whore. Although I never traded sex for money or drugs or anything material, I did trade it for my dignity, self-worth & pride.
It started when I was 13. I had Daddy issues – God rest his soul. I had a big gaping hole in my heart where my relationship with him should have been. Alcoholism robbed me of my relationship with my father. I am not bitter. It is what it is. Addictions that run that deep are robbers of securities in life we are all supposed to have. It happens. I believe he did his best & thankfully sobered up near the end of his life & we got our Dad back for a while. I also believe he is waiting for us all in the Great Blue Yonder with Mom & our brother Alan. Anyway, back to it.
So at 13, I lost my virginity to a boy who said he loved me & would love me more if I would just give this sacred part of me to him. He promised. Not a week later, he was telling it at school, all the way down to an awkward & painful detail that I don’t see the point in sharing here. But let’s just say it was far more mortifying than spilling the act itself. Not to mention I was confronted in the hall in front of others with it & loudly wrapped in laughter & jeering – I wanted to just die right there.
That began a long, sordid & vicious cycle in my life that lasted for another 13 years. Because of things that happened to me as a very small child & further on, I bought into the lie that the only way I could gain acceptance & love was through giving myself away. And I so desperately tried to – over & over & over again. It was like the most hellish rat-on-a-wheel experience ever – x 10. And it never, ever, ever paid off.
Every single time I gave more of me away, the color in my soul darkened. Another little piece of my heart was ripped away – in grande design. Design meant to annihilate who I was created to be. This awful horrid & addicting cycle gripped me & flung me around like a rag doll. And I couldn’t stop myself.
I never – not once – felt good afterwards. The temporary plane of being one with someone always ended in emptiness & incredible loneliness. I could have invented the walk of shame – I wish I was exaggerating. It is truly nothing but God’s Great Grace, Mercy & Love (my personal Trinity) that I made it through that long, dark time in my life. I did not come out of it unscathed – I made decisions against my body that some would say are unforgivable & detestable. And I am so beyond-grateful my fate did not nor does it today lie in the hands of man. I have been forgiven of so much that I do not deserve in the very least.
At age 26, I finally got free of that terrible cycle in my life. I met Jesus on my Damascus road as a woman – long after meeting him as a girl at 15. And it changed me & saved my life. Again.
I don’t understand this gift. I don’t get how He has literally washed away that person I was.
She is gone. And I have been made new.
Every single day of my life I get another opportunity to step further deep into who I was created to be. I have been handed the super-power to say no to things that erode my soul. And most of the time I actually do. That is beyond me. Hallelujah.
I realize this was deep & some of you have probably shrank back as you read. It’s ok. Whatever you do, please don’t shrink back for me. I am OK. These are just stories I get the privilege to share – where before I desperately tried to hide them, to no avail. Now – miraculously – they can extend an olive branch of relativity. Of communion of souls that we no longer have to dwell in darkness & shame. We can exchange our ashes for beauty. That’s what redemption & restoration is all about.
And please don’t shrink back for yourself either – insomuch that you let it nail you further into your own cross. Take it as imperfect-living-proof that you too can be free from yourself, from your choices – some you made & some that were made for you.
Forgiveness is always there waiting, calling out to us. In total acceptance of where we are – & loving us enough to lift us from it. If we will just say yes. Please say yes.
Much love & new life y’all – it really is possible –
Bonnie
Ref: larsjustinen
Just awesome…And beautifully raw!
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Thank you Mel. ❤️❤️
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people who shrink back have huge planks in their eyes….and this was me too…I beat myself up for years about it and I asked for forgiveness over and over -just over the past few years have I truly realized I have been forgiven and I’ve begun to forgive myself too. Thanks your honesty. You are beautiful…inside, outside, upside, downside….all sides. Love you!
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Forgiveness is a power we all possess & sometimes rarely use. I’m beyond grateful you’ve forgiven yourself & that you know you are forgiven too Wendy. Hallelujah ❤️❤️ & thank you so much for your sweet sweet words!
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You know better than anyone how this spoke to my heart!! Just awesome! Thank you!
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❤️ I’m so glad it spoke to you. We are in this together Kristi!
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You are so real. So fearless.Love you, Bonnie!
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Thank you!!
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Weeping. I love you. I give you a virtual ((((hug)))) until the day I can actually wrap my arms around you. Thank you for being you. Before and after.
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Chills & tears. I give you one right back !! ❤️
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WOW, very powerful stuff girl & oh so true.
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Thank you Michelle!! ❤️
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Thank you so much for this Bonnie! I can so relate!
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Thank you Wende! ❤️
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And thank you for reading! I’m sure there are lots of young ladies & women out there that need to know there is life beyond that black hole. ♥️
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What a beautiful blessed GIFT you are…to God, to me, to the world ❤
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And you are to me – I love you Gwendy! ❤️
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